An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
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Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
#DesignFail
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.