Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Growing up was a huge mistake