This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night