My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.