Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food