god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like š®
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
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Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
next time iām opening up to someone is my autopsy
I donāt usually sing Adele, but when I do, itās usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the menās washroom at work.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the dollās face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someoneā
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squadā
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I’ve reached that age where I donāt have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
VITAMIN WATER: weāre like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no itās not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese donāt touch on the plate
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldnāt end an email with:
-f*** y**
-youāre d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope Iām remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: āI just want to do something spontaneous.ā
Combustion: āWeāll see.ā
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
SNOW WHITE: so howād you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
OMG š¤£š¤£
Apparently Iām no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because itās āscaring childrenā and “a crocodile.ā
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonās train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook