If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
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Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Worlds greatest photobomb
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.