It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.