This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?