This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
PARKOUR
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”