It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.