which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
For the orator and chef in all of us
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
guys i’ve cracked the code
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned