My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
They’re stuck in your pants?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now