Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.