I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish