This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
same energy
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.