Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I beg your pardon?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory