I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.