A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”