I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.