Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
You Might Also Like
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Love this one 😂🧟
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.