okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in