*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You Might Also Like
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.