At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I need this for my side hustle.