English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.