Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
just having fun
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.