Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work