Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Happy Halloween 🎃
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Jupiter
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..