Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
You Might Also Like
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.