Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
beware of dog
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart