In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Not recommended for beginners.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”