Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
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How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you