I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit