Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Think I pulled my liver
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
When you’re Kinky but poor