My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from