Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Cartman: Respect my
a a
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!