I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
You Might Also Like
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
#DesignFail
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
me
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”