Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’m sure it’s fine.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*