Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
🤣🤣
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem