I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
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ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
this post was so formative to me
Chicken bread
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.