Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.