I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?