Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
You Might Also Like
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL