Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.