Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting