The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Ape together strong
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”