“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My first son he is wonderful
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’