Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?