I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
guys i’ve cracked the code
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
stop