INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.